Dear Retreatants,

I am sitting at the computer listening to the music from the retreat thinking of each of you as your song plays.  I am so full and joyful, (and a little physically tired I must say) however my spirit is enriched by each of you.  In the classic tradition of the retreat I am going to ask each of you to consider your 3 highs and your 3 lows from the weekend.  It would be wonderful if you would write them down and “reply to all” so we could read them.  If you would not like them posted on the website, please indicate so.  I post them sometime in the future with only first names so new potential participants can read them and consider the weekend.  It is also available for you to visit the website and be reminded of the experience.   At times it can seem like a mirage, especially when we are in the storms of life. 

So here are my 3 highs and 3 lows:

 Highs:

 

1.       The amount of support I felt in the beginning of the retreat with those who showed up to set up the site.  I felt equal amount of support at the end of the retreat with the clean up.  I am most grateful.

2.       The trust wave and the car wash.  I loved both.  It felt so exciting and abundant.  Of course I love playing games with each of you too.

3.       I pause on this last one…there are so many exquisite snapshots that are jumping around in my heart and mind I am having a hard time picking one.  So I will go with watching my daughter go through the car wash and each of you bending down and bestowing so much love.  As soon as she was at the end of the line she ran to me and asked me to pick her up.  She could not wait to tell those going through the car wash words like, “Jessica God loves you”, “Spencer you are so strong and beautiful” etc., as she touched their face, head, back.  It brought tears to my eyes.

 

Lows:

 1.  As much as I talk about the balance of receiving and giving I found myself declining kindness and love.  Nancy asking to hold me during her song and Vicki asking to wash my feet.  For that I apologize to Nancy, Vicki and me. I am glad I received the touch and kind words that many gave  me post the women’s group.  One step forward, one step back.  Ahhhh the plight of being human.

2.  The struggle between being a facilitator at the retreat and a mother.  I found myself concerned if, KyraSong being a 4yr old, was interrupting your process.  Something I spoke about in small process group and with Ginny.  Thank you to each of you for your grace, patience and kindness.  If you have suggestions on how I can execute this better I welcome your input.  If it is a non-issue or an enhancement for you, I welcome that insight too.

3. The information of Jimmy and his health crisis.  Since the retreat it has been discovered he has stage 4 cancer.  He is in Good Samaritan hospital and hospice has been called in.  If you have anything you would like him to know please email or send it by text and I will get it to Jayne.  I am sure he would like to go to “the next place” knowing how loved and cherished he is.

Much love,

Joan and KyraSong

 

Highs

1.      Of course spending time with my BFF – Songie.  I have sooooo much fun when I am with her, she is teaching me how to be a kid again and I truly adore her.  My life has changed so much since she has been in my life; I am able to have fun and experience more optimism and joy in my life.

2.      As I said in closing, the massages went great for me, seemed effortless and enjoyable.

3.      Seeing and connecting with you all again made me feel like a part       of the group.  Technically I know I am, but I do miss a lot.

4.      Car wash, taking it in and believing.

 

Lows

1.       Did not get up and do something at the talent show like joining in with the drummers or telling you the one joke I know.  Spontaneity, tee hee hee.

2.       Cramped dinning room, I usually get a chance to sit and connect with most of you.

 

OOPS,  I did 4 and 2.  Yay!

Keenie

 

 

I have been thinking of each of you this week in our return to the "real" world. It's so hard to pick just 3 highs. The whole weekend is so transformative it's hard to narrow it to a few experiences.

Highs
1. Just being and connecting:)  Saturday night in the pool and jacuzzi with everyone.
Dancing with Spencer to Nancy's song.

2. Preparing for and doing the "hands" improv with Raul and Carrik. I laughed so hard and was so inspired by your guys creativity. It felt mischievous and I loved it.

3. Staying until the very end for the trust wave and car wash. Even though I knew it would be close, I decided to trust the process. So glad we got to be part of it.
Lows
1. Having to rush out and not participate in the wind down/clean up.

2. Marianne, David and Webster having to leave Monday morning. Missed you guys the rest of the way.

3. Hearing about Jimmy not being well. Sorry to hear its the last chapter. May God bless him and Jane.

The Seal song keeps playing in my head as I write this "Loves divine...love is what I need to know my name."

As always, I am definitely in for Labor Day 2015!

All my love until we meet again,

Pat 

To my Present Family,

Such an AMAZING retreat. Soooo much to remember.  This

was the first year where I got to know everyone's name, even though we didn't

have a name game.  The location and space was amazing with a bunch of amazing

people. Small group was such a liberating experience and created a few ah ha

moments for me.  I appreciate the energy Song and Spencer provide. 

> Highs

>
 

1. Laughing and having fun playing games. Speed walk tag with Debbie, improve

with Pat, Raul, Spencer, Karen and everyone else. Dennis providing a comment

during the trust run to make Joan literally pee her pants. Pam and I unable to

keep that darn balloon between us. And many more laughs with everyone.

> 2.

Rooming with Raul and spending much more quality time with him. Thank you Raul

for the many conversations we were able to share. It means the world to me to

have another man to share with to learn and grow.

> 3. Having opportunities to

be creative and not thinking just being in the moment creative. When figuring

out my dance I left a lot of it to the universe to just happen and my creative

juices free flowed. Then Rod let us be creative with clay and just went for it

and created my dark shadow world that is in my head and it was freeing!!! Thank

you Rod for that opportunity. At some point I just sat down and drew what was in

my head, without thinking, then I hung it up to let others in my head. Then Joan

let us be creative with our masks and it was perfect since I needed a hulk mask

for the dance. Preparing for and executing improv comedy always gets my creative

mind going. I almost forgot about the chalk paper in the dining room, so much

fun.  I need to allow myself to be more creative more consistently and this

weekend opened that window for me.

> 

> Lows:

> 1. Hearing about Jimmy

saddens my heart. Jimmy and Jayne are amazing people and I am grateful for

having been in the presence of Jimmy's wisdom as a male influence.

> 2. I wish

I had more boxes for more people to have stomped during my song at the

dance.

3. No beach ball to play with in the pool. Next year we need a pool

party with beach ball :).

Much love and abundance,

Carrik

Good Morning All,

So much of what I loved about last weekend is hard to put

in to words. Part of my "shadow" is to magnify things that feel difficult and

avoid them, therefore I am writing this email before my mind has a chance to do

that!

1.Lifting Raul. This was emotionally overwhelming and brought me to

tears, which does not happen often. I will replay it in my mind for a long time

to come. Thank you Raul for your courage.

2. MaryAnne. Your presence and your

sharing in our process group really impacted me.

3. Amanda's honesty and her

strong desire to be heard and healed.

4,5,6,7,8.... Ginny said some things in

our process group and followed up with me outside of the group and opened my

eyes in a powerful way; Having my parents there was even more awesome than I

imagined it would be; the trust run...I'm still thinking about it and wanting to

do it again the way Nancy did it! ... Joan's song at the dance; Song - her

spirit!

Lows: Missing Jayne and Jimmy and feeling the loss of an amazing

man

Miss you all!!!

Love

Jessica

 

 

 

I don't know what to start with! This year was even better then last and there were so many great things.

 

Highs:

1. Playing with Song.

It made me happy to be running around with someone who doesn't have a care in the world. We got to play pretend which I haven't done for ever, and getting out of my head was a blessing.

 

2. Seeing people cry.

I know, it sounds weird, but seeing people expressing their emotions openly last weekend was ratifying. I always considered crying a weakness so seeing other people do it kind of opened something up in my heart. There were many times during groups, the dance, and the ending ceremony that I just started weeping. I think that was good for me since I hardly ever cry in front of people. Getting to talk with Robyn, Carrik, David, Pat, Michell, and everyone else meant a lot to me too. Being able to talk about things that I hold close to my heart is not something I normally do. 

3. Having true fun. 
It is rare for me to have the kind of all out fun because there are so many other things going on in my head. Last weekend I had many experiences like that: playing with song, doing the skit with my mom and singing at the talent show, swimming in the dark, water balloon catch(and getting soaked), playing drums, jumping and twirling and spinning with Robyn at the dance, chasing lizards, and just reading in silence. 

4. The car wash. 
This had to be one of my favorite moments of the weekend. Being led by the hand and hearing what some of you had to say about me was powerful. I used some of those wonderful comments the day I got back to school when I had a rough time. 
 
Lows: 
1. Missing Jimmy and Jayne. 
I remember thinking how funny Jimmy was last year and that Jayne was so kind and compassionate. It was certainly different without their presence this year. Somehow I feel like they were there in spirit though. I wish them both the best wishes. 

2. Having to leave. 
I had let my guard down so much last weekend that it was hard to get it back up when we left. I remember it felt like all of the callouses on my heart had been gently rubbed away so when I got back to reality my heart was all raw and every thing that happened stuck like a thorn. The whole day, from the time we drove out of Casa San Carlos to when I went to sleep, I couldn't stop crying. Since I live in Minnesota I don't get to see everyone at any other time in the year which makes the parting ever more bitter. 
Thank you all, 
Spencer 

 

 

Wow, what a weekend! I’m still trying to come back to earth and not liking it very much. Re-entry was once again tough, not only for me but for my loved ones at home who had to put up with me. To just write three highs and three lows will be a challenge, as always, and I might have to cheat a bit. I’m sure that I will. Or I’ll figure out a way to nicely break the rules and still get in what I need to say.

Highs

1.      The dance brings so many images to my mind that make me smile and warm my heart. Thank you, Joan, for capturing so many on Smilebox, even a video like Barbara’s double Dutch game. That was so awesome, spontaneous, and child-like. I can’t remember when the last time was that I played that jump rope game. At least this time, I didn’t get tangled up or smacked by the rope! The highlight of the dance for me was moving in silence to Joan’s song “Still” and making eye contact with everyone and then experiencing my song, “Small”, right after that. To be able to decide on a way to present my song without any pre-planning, to be able to ask for what I wanted and not feel shamed by my own chatter, and to be vulnerable and receive without exception,  (all shadow challenges for me) was very powerful and transforming. It also felt really good to hear that other people were moved by the song as well. When I hear the song (which I’ve been playing often as a meditation to go to sleep), I think of being in God’s arms too. I regret not sharing that image at the dance and suggesting the possibility of allowing oneself to be held in the arms of a higher power. 

2.      Being amongst all of the tenderness and witnessing so many examples of pure love and vulnerability set my soul on fire.  The sincerity and the fullness of it touched me so deeply. I found myself crying in the mist of the affirmation circles, women affirming women and women affirming men, Raul’s honesty and reaching out to be held both during the big circle and during the sharing circle that followed the mediation and honoring of feet, meeting Amanda’s eyes before washing and holding her feet, the sharing that took place in my small process group, the car wash, and the levitation of Raul just to name few.  I was spiritually high as we lifted Raul into the air and swayed him during that beautiful song. It felt divine; divinely led and divinely carried out. I felt like I was levitating in love. At one point I felt myself gasp from the fullness of it and then tears just burst forth.  It was definitely another glimpse of heaven for me.

3.       Feeling heard and validated also touched me deeply and confirmed that I can make valuable decisions and learn to trust my intuition. Making a large ear to represent this shadow during Rod’s workshop got the ball rolling in me to look at this one and to challenge its darkness. (Thanks Dennis for being a willing model. Although, your ear looks nothing like the one that evolved in my hands!)  Throughout the weekend, there were many instances where I made myself visible and saw my ideas coming to fruition. (ex: the levitation) Thank you, Joan, for allowing that idea to unfold. At first, I didn’t think you heard me when I shared that during the meditation sharing. I wasn’t even aware of the purple mat in the middle of the big circle when we came together. When you started to share the idea and mentioned that you wanted the whole group to be involved, I felt so taken aback. And then to hear Raul say, “When Nancy suggests something, I listen”. It was just so affirming and it felt great to be visible without the negative chatter.

Lows

1.      One of my lows was missing the opportunity to swim with Song.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting in the sunshine, by the pool, watching her swim like a fish and dive for water balloons like a puppy, but I would have liked it even more if I had put on my suit and done it too.

2.      Another was not having the chance to say good bye to everyone or to be more present in my good byes due to my concern about being on time for the airport. Like Pat shared, I too am so glad that we stayed and were able to take part in the car wash. When we got to the airport and everything ran smoothly and we were right in time to get in line at the gate, I realized that I really do have to let go of my anxiety and trust the moments of my day to my higher power.

3.      Another was not having Jimmy and Jayne with us physically and then hearing about Jimmy going to the hospital. Although it was a low, it was comforting and different to pray and grieve with others in my family of choice, much different than what I experienced growing up in my family of origin.

Things I didn’t get to say but still want to:

Thank you, Joan, for teaching us how to trust the process.  In coming all of these years, I have witnessed the changes that have occurred in you and how you trust the higher wisdom and allow things to unfold as they will. This has been a huge lesson for me to learn from someone whom I admire greatly.

Thank you, Sally, for your courage and humility to reveal your shadow on the spot and to push through the uncomfortability and resistance to owning it.

Thank you Robyn, Raul, and Enid for hanging out and jamming and then taking it on the road.  I was so delighted and impressed by your courage, Enid, when you said yes to drumming in the talent show.  

Thank you Pat and company for bringing such joy, spontaneity, and humor. And Adrianne, taking your shadow for a walk was hysterical! And nice Egyptian dancing, Spencer and Vicki!

Thanks, Keenie, for being spontaneous and making the time to drum with me (Spencer and Debi too). Thanks too, to the larger community, especially Russ, for putting up with the loudness of it all during mask making.

Thank you, Marianne, for bringing David. It was so nice to finally meet him. He is a wonderful young man with a big heart and a gentle spirit.  I wanted to tell you in person, but since you left early I didn’t get the chance.  (It was also nice to meet Webster!)

Thank you, Jessica, for bringing your parents and for sharing your birthday gift with us.

Thanks to all of you, for being there and showing up with such courage, love, and vulnerability. I’d like to share a poem that I wrote several years ago that evolved out of the retreat weekend and dedicate it to Jimmy.  I know that he is getting much more than a glimpse of heaven from where he is now.

A Glimpse of Heaven

In you

I see me.

In your eyes

the depth of my pain,

the journey of my soul,

the little girl

that I’ve learned to hold.

And in the time that we shared,

and cried and played and hugged,.

I felt at peace and safe and loved

For I think that this is what eternity must be made of-

Children living in the light.

Thank God for my sight

that I’ve been given a glimpse of Heaven.

Nancy

 

Hello All,

 Wow, what a task to narrow my highs to just 3 after the weekend I had.

 

My highest high, figuratively and literally is the group levitation, or more specifically, the perfect process leading up to it. I felt myself going from a place of deep shame, guilt, and insignificance during the dance to a place of deep felt redemption with the men during Joan's soul-to-sole meditation, to then a place of elevation and celebration during the group levitation. Any attempt of mine to articulate my feelings at the time will always fall so woefully short of an adequate expression of that experience, but I have a felt sense all who were involved have a knowing in their soul of it. I felt weightless in my soul by the energy and love of all those lifting me. I felt lifted from me shame, guilt, judgment, worthlessness, fear, insecurity. I felt my heart stretching open, creating space for acceptance of love, worth, forgiveness. I felt myself with limitless reach upward.  I felt myself a spiritual rock star!  I am deeply grateful and humbled by the sincere love I felt from all of you. 

 

I felt privileged to be in the presence of such a powerful group of men, all showing up with integrity, vulnerability, courage and love. You are all wonderful examples of the best in men.

 

The circle of appreciation from the women the men was an unexpected gift, which showed me yet another mask I wear. I did not fully grasp its significance until I processed it some, and I want now to thank all the women. I saw my mask of judging any contact or affirmation from women as a ruse to get something from me in return. The anonymity of that process, where I couldn't tell who was touching me or speaking to me stripped me of any means by which I could claim there was any expectation of anything from me in return. It is me who created the expectation of an exchange. It is through accepting with gratitude from each of you your sincere expression of love without any strings attached that  I make my amends to any woman in my past who did the same, only to have me twist that into something negative. Thank you for that gift.

 I am deeply saddened by Jimmy's passing.

 My love to you all.

Raul

 

Highs- Sally validating my feelings in small group,

allowing me to nix strong guilt feelings.  Helping To levitate participant. 

Games.  Nice cool rooms.  Massage great.

Lows-since I am pretty much of a

"foodie" I believe the food could have been warmer and more of it (salads &

mellon soup were awesome but could have had more salad dressing choices and ran

out of some of these as well).  Choice of brown or white rice Would be nice for

next time.

That's it That's all !  

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Truly

transforming my "angst into awe".  Love you guys.

"A"

 

Dear All,

I dreaded coming but it turned out to be a great experience for me.

One highlite was the sharing , love and support I received.

I really liked the songs and dancing. 

I felt relaxed & free. I forgot about being tired. 

I got high from the car wash--whisper experience. The acknowledgment I got was awesome. Thanks, I needed that.

I left feeling ??  I guess

maybe more positive

and like I liked myself a little bit more .

I didn't like my inability to hear.

Joan, my thoughts at this moment.

Thank you.

       Love,   Russ

 

My highs:

Sharing our Present family with my BFF…. Vickie Schafer was over the top and magical. The

support Vickie provided for me before and throughout the weekend with the food

(planning, shopping and cooking together), playing Thelma and Louise, dancing

and being together was so much fun! Also processing together in brief moments

between groups was priceless, heartwarming and loving. I am so

blessed!

Seeing and being with Sammy :)

Sunday evening, being asked to

dance by Carrik touched my heart! I loved singing as we held each other…sorry

Carrik if I messed up on the lyrics, but I know the chorus pretty well!

LOL

Raul’s work and his vulnerability opened my heart and mind in so many

ways…. thank you, Raul. 

Spencer as she traveled through the car wash….I was

overwhelmed with tears and pure love.

The Women’s group circle ceremony and

later the men’s circle ceremony had an amazing impact on me. It is mind and

heart opening and confirms our human need for hugs and affirmations on a regular

basis. 

Seeing Jessica again and meeting Mom and Dad, thank you for sharing

your family with us!  

Earning the nickname….honeydew :) 

My Lows:

The snoring chorus in my room (quad) and neglecting to ask for what I

needed.

Missing Jayne and Jimmy’s loving presence (and now Jimmy’s hugs,

smile and laughter is captured in my heart and memory forever).

Arriving 5 minutes late to Monday morning’s meditation with Joan.

Thank you, Joan for

being you and bringing us all together each year. And to answer your question

about Songie….. I LOVE KyraSong’s presence! 

Until we all meet again, be safe

and know you all are loved and treasured beyond words,

Debi

 

Reflections

 

3 Highs

 

1. Attending the retreat with my Son, David. David being welcomed with open arms.

2. The Presence of KyraSong, her love, joy and spirit infectious.

3. Spending time with Pat, Sally and Perra.

 

3 Lows

 

1. Leaving early Monday.

2. Not attending meditation.

3. Not swimming more.

Marianne

 

The dance was so amazing.  Pam’s song (Michael Jackson, Will You Be There) had the deepest impact on me.  Even though our circumstances are different, I was able to consider the possibility of having a guardian angel as well - my birth mother.  I was raised to appreciate the family that  did want me, and to not dwell on the past.  It was an implied sign of weakness to consider or conjure up any thoughts or feelings I may have had in regards to being adopted.  I convinced myself over the years that true strength was living without the need for anyone.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Denying that I have birth parents has been one of my primary sources of low self-esteem, shame, and not staying true to myself.  Whether my birth mother is alive or not, my heart isn’t seeking an earthly relationship with her.  It’s just so liberating to be able to accept that she is real, to know that my life didn’t begin at the O’Hare airport, and that I am a part of the human race after all.  And when I listen to this song, I feel the strength to accept and love her for giving me life.  And perhaps her spirit has been watching over me all along.  Thanks to Rod’s session on judgments, I can grieve and accept the death of the relationship with a softer heart.     

The retreat was my second opportunity to interact with Song, and am just now getting to know her.  (had to remind her my name yesterday at Church, so cute tehehe)  Even so, there was something very special for me in the time we spent each morning.  Since I unfortunately didn’t make Sally’s yoga classes and Joan would be on her morning walk, I would wake with little Songy across the adjoining restroom looking for her Mama.  We read a book, played with her Lego set from Marianne, and took a walk around the courtyard.  During our mini walk, she told me she wished I were staying in her room and that I was welcome any time.  It made me feel like a million dollars to be accepted by her.  My younger years were the most difficult, and in that moment my inner child appeared encouraging me to break through the lies and to forgive myself.

There are so many other moments that stand out for me, the 3.25 songs Nancy and I locked eyes for, Jessica identifying and sharing her frustrations, in our small group using the planter with 2 separate plants inside of it to represent my story, Michelle’s honesty and healing hands, Pat’s contagious laugh, Raul’s encouragement during the second round of my dance, Adrianne’s talent show skit, the car wash – so heavenly.

My lows would be - still holding back and being afraid to share, not jumping rope during Barbara’s song, not offering to interpret my clay art, wishing Raul’s levitation would last forever.   

My heart is bigger and more fulfilled b/c of all of you.  Thank you!

Love,

Amanda

 

Vicki V’s Reflections to the 2014 Illuminating the Shadow Retreat

Vicki V. Highs – the long version

1.      Joan’s Soul to Soul Meditation:

During the soul walk I shared with Sammy historical experiences we have in common. It seems serendipitous that I could finally verbalize it to her on the Soul walk. I thank Sammy for the word: Un-repairable. I find it difficult to stop thinking about getting a tattoo that says “Unrepairable”.

Joan washing my feet: there is so much here I don’t even know what to type; Thank you.

Joan speaking the words that are so difficult for me to embrace, hold, own; but the words that I so long to know, embrace, feel and hear: “You are loved.”  I am crying as I type this, thank you.

The sun’s perfect timing, blazing through the windowed door Illuminating and landing on me /us.

The honor to wash another’s feet and pay homage to them- Robyn and Russ: everything worked out.

I am honored to be trusted to witness and be present with Raul through his struggle, truth, expressive release, process and progress. Thank you for being so vulnerable and trusting.

 

2.      The Men. I so appreciate the balance, point of view, the honesty and energy that the men bring to the retreat. I appreciate being allowed to be friends, be close to, be vulnerable with, dance with, speak my truth, be heard and not have anything expected from me; thank you.

 

3.      I admire the therapists temporarily taking off their therapist’s hat and setting it in a safe place to be retrieved later after they step into and explore their truths and processes. There was a time in my recovery when I was not comfortable with this. I love, respect and honor the occasionally slightly blurred line between therapists, staff and client/participants. In the end, are we not all participants?  A big thank you, to the participant, for being vulnerable and doing the work around the word “Liar” for me.

 

4.      I struggle with having comfort and confidence with being seen and heard. Regardless of what I do and try I might always have pieces of this struggle. But, I felt seen and heard and apart of this Illuminating the Shadow retreat. I am grateful that others attended. If I could get what I needed from the retreat on my own I would, but I can’t. I need the attendance, participation and honest souls present with their struggles, imperfections and shadows to feel connected, speak my truth and get what I need. Thank you for attending and participating.

 

 

Fondest regards, Love and Namaste, 

Vicki

 

 

Good evening my present family.                     
            My 3 highs

                1. The dance.  Being spontaneous and letting my inner child come out and play. 

                 2.I felt very emotional during the Car Wash. It felt amazing to allow myself to take in all the loving affirmations and nurturing touch and hold it close to my heart and embrace it.

                  3. To be a part of when everyone levitated Raul. I felt so much love and am abundance of nurturing touch.

                   4. I so enjoyed having BFFs and family members come and become part of this extended family. I also enjoy having the younger generation every year. Spencer is wiser than her years and I feel honored to know her. KyraSong is such a delight. I hope more family members and BFFs continue to come every year.

 

             3 Lows

            

               1. Not asking for what I needed from my Present family. I just withdrew. I now realize to ask for what I need. No one will know what I need if I don't ask for it. Thanks Joan for calling me out on this.:).

 

               2. The fact that Jimmy and Jayne were not at the retreat. Jimmy holds a special place in my heart. I will miss him dearly.

 

                 3. That the weekend seems to end too soon. I get so much out of these weekends. I wish we could make it last for at least one week.

 

I so enjoyed spending time with everyone of you. Hope to see everyone next year. I already made my arrangements. Love to all,

 

                        Karen

                    

 

My Highs

1. Trusting the Process.  As we realized from sharing in our small group, the weekend was so rich and abundant in processes unfolding. Hence "Trust the process" as our skit .  We realized that in not doing some things we wanted to do, or in missing some activities, that things seemed to work out and unfold for the better, as in Divine Order.  Great lesson to get out of the way, not overthink things, and let things happen!  And that letting things happen builds upon itself as we progress through the weekend.  Thus, in the women's group, I was able to experience how truly authentic giving and receiving from the heart can feel and easily pass it on in the men's circle.  And a special thank you to Raul for his process and the courage he continues to display...and in so doing allowed me to uncover another layer of sadness I didn't know I had.

2.  Having multiple generations attending, from Carrick commenting that sharing a bathroom with Russ was like sharing one with his grandfather (that Carrick had done for many, many years) to 4 year old Song and teen Spencer (Whose heart wouldn't melt being with those two!), and families and close friends attending helped to make it feel like a family, a safe place to open the heart and be vulnerable and let the love in.

3. The fun and challenging games that allow our child to come out and the amazing insights expressed through song at the dance - profound and FUN and always so!  Thanks to all who jumped with me. 

4. Finally, the car wash.  Hearing those wonderful affirmations and expressions of acknowledgement and love was overwhelming for me...and I will never forget Spencer as she was led through the car wash.  It was so powerful to see a young women receiving such genuine love and acknowledgement. Thank you to Joan for again pulling everything together, as you always do, to capture the spirit of all the beautiful people who attend.

Lows 
1.  Marianne, David and Webster left early and were not there to experience the commencement. 
2.  Jayne and Jimmy not atttending and Jimmy's passing. I had been so looking forward to getting to know Jimmy more.  He had always been so kind to me when I was going through my illness.  He will be missed.

3.  I couldn't find Kleenex when I needed it in the large group. 

Finally, thanks Karen for comforting me during my "ah ha" release.

Finally, finally, Nancy,  I think you win "I Never"

 

With love and respect to all,

Barbara

I loved the safety surrounding me from the very first moment until the last. 

Even though you all were strangers to me it seemed to take no time feeling "a

part of” and fully accepted; what an amazingly brave, loving, authentic and

powerful group of individuals!  I feel privileged to have been in your

company.

I loved the women’s circle.  That was the first time I cried during

the weekend.  It was so hard to accept the tenderness, physical affection and

kind words at first but then I could not stand the thought that it had to end -

ever.  And it really surprised  me how easy and equally fulfilling it was for me

to be on the giving end when we switched.

I loved being part of the women’s circle that gave to the mens’ circle. It was important for me to finally get how men have a very unique (from women) deep need to be held and rocked and

appreciated and how in this culture men don’t seem to have the permission  to

just be and need and  feel and be vulnerable without being concerned that they

will be judged for not being a Man, for not being Strong - as if men have less

right to being emotional human beings.  I am so grateful to the men in the group

for allowing us to give to you and allowing us women to be present with your

vulnerability.  This was the 2nd time I cried.

I loved drumming and being a part of that cool foursome that we were, performing at the talent show.  I got lost in the beat and did not even know I was in front of an audience. Jessica

and Dennis and anyone else who knows me knows that is simply not something I

would have ever done before. I am in the process of shopping  for some African

drums and maybe even taking some lessons.  Thank you, Nancy, for this and for

many other ways you enlightened me that I am sure you are not even aware

of.  There were so many other deeply touching and profound moments and

breakthroughs for me, but we were asked for 3 and I have already listed

4.

Negatives:  that I did not partake of the yoga, meditation and an

afternoon segment of games.  That I didn’t have a chance to really get to know

more than a couple people on a level I would have wanted to - there just wasn’t

enough time or opportunity in 3 days and yet  I wonder how much more my

emotional person could have handled.  As it is I came home and caccooned for 2

days.

Thank you, Jessica for inviting me and asking me to give you The

Present as your present this year.  It was truly a present for me as well.  And

thank you to Joan and Song all of you who were so involved with the details that

made everything that much more special. 

Enid

Highs –

The men’s and women’s circles were amazing, hearing the affirmations and feel the warmth of such gentle men was amazing for me, giving to the men in a loving, gentle manner, whispering affirmations in their  ears was a special gift for me.  I saw my father, my sons, and my husband in all of them! 

Witnessing everyone being vulnerable and telling their stories helped me to feel safe and open up as well!  The people from  my process group were amazing in coaching me thru my stuff!  Rod truly helped me to see how pride can get in the way sometimes!  I continue to be very curious about how I show up for others in all ways.  Sally with all your spirit of gentleness and the gentle spirits of all the women in my process group.  You are all amazing!

The dance with Russ, was so special and touched my heart in a profound way!  It felt like I was dancing with my Father, who I never had the opportunity to do that with!  As I write this it is hard to hold back my tears!

The meditation with Joan and the washing of each others feet and just gazing in our partners eyes,  the love washed over me, what an experience.  Of course the car wash, and hearing Kyrasong’s words “God loves you!”  How precious and so innocent!  The words and the touch of everyone, the tears were flowing and my heart was just bursting with immense joy and gratefulness!

 

Lows-

Not having the opportunity to really get to know each and every person, and not being able to say good bye to everyone, as some had to leave!

Not knowing what our theme groups were before we had them.    I know that Joan told us all at the opening, but I did not write it down!  Was a lot to take in being a newbie!   It made me feel a little disorganized!

I wish I would have played more of the games!

 

In closing, I know that I will come to this Retreat again and again!  Thank you all for helping and blessing me on my own journey to wholeness!  I am a work in progress always!

Wishing all of you love, joy and abundance!

Vickie S.

 

Good Morning Everyone,

I want to thank everyone for a very special weekend.  This was certainly a new experience for me, and I enjoyed getting to know everyone a little.

Highs

o   Sharing the experience with my mother.  My mom has been attending for years and I know just how important it is for her to be able to meet and recharge.  It was great being able to experience and see what the weekend was like.

o   When the men went into a small circle and the women came around and gave us positive reinforcement and love, it was a great experience.  It also made me sad though that I have not experienced something like that before.

o   I really enjoyed the Dance, I enjoyed dancing and getting to spend time with everyone.

Lows

o   Leaving early and not being able to say goodbye to everyone.  It sounds like the car wash was an amazing experience, I'm sorry I missed it.

o   Not being able to spend more time with people and getting to know others better.

o   I think when you only have three days it challenging.  My guard was probably up the first day or two and by the time I relaxed a bit the weekend was over.

·        Not going in the pool made me sad, I love swimming and I should have jumped in!

 It was really nice to meet Joan and Song, I have heard so much about you both.  Thank you for everything. 

David

 

Highs:

• The first night, while welcoming and hugging everyone...with the new "retreaters" before hugging, I would say, "I'm a hugger", and when I met David, he opened his arms and in his deep, smooth voice, said, "Bring it on"!!! I laughed sooo hard! I never had that response before!

• The ice breaker, "What you wouldn't know about me.....", I witnessed how quick people dropped into the work ahead and loved hearing the little vignettes/snippets of everyones' lives

• During the dance, Nancy invited everyone to pair up with someone and take turns holding and being held during her song...so very sweet

• The whole dance was fun and I loved how creative people got with their song and how inclusive with the group they were with how they shared it

• Having the opportunity to talk with MaryAnn, during one of our processes, I think it's the longest conversation we have ever had!

• Meeting the lovely new people who came this year and talking and visiting with dear friends who come every year, enjoying the "catch up"

 

Lows:

• Missed Jayne and Jimmy over the weekend. And so very sad to hear of Jimmy's passing

• I forgot to bring my pillow 

I came across this sage thought, perfect for the masks we wear:

 

“Once you start living a life of truth, authenticity, of your original face, all troubles by and by disappear because the conflict drops and you are no more divided.”..Osho  Reminds me how we are all ONE!

Love, Sally 

 

Highs:  Re-meeting with past retreaters  - what a joy. I remembered some of you. Some of you remembered me. It didn’t really matter all that much as everyone came together as one group, old-timers and first-timers. I also came away with some relationships renewed and strengthened, reminding me of how rich and important people are in my life.

KyraSong, KyraSong. Her joy and fearlessness in life is a tonic. It  reminded me that I too was that at one time. She epitomized that piece of our retreat: the person before the shadow started creating itself. KyraSong took me back to those days when I awakened each day filled with anticipation of what it would contain.

 Sally, Barbara, Joan:  If I had a goal for my weekend it was to see if a fresh, safe place, with caring, safe people could raise me from the lows I’ve been functioning in for months and months. The weekend brought me to peace with a knowledge that my demons are my demons – part of who I am. I don’t have to vanquish them. I realized that I can reclaim the courage that has allowed me to walk through life, not be crushed by it. Thank you all for all you gave, of yourself, of your experience, of your love and commitment to life and people.

Lows: There is an awful feeling that I have less and less as I live my life as a sober woman: being on the outside looking in. That feeling came when I pulled into the parking at Casa San Carlos. It took an hour to find that feeling totally bogus. That is all I experienced that could be a low. Often I encounter unmet expectations. Seldom do I have expectations exceeded. My retreat/recharge was just that – the weekend far exceeded my expectations. I carry all of you in my heart each day. See you next year!

Sammy R. Alzofon (Ms.)

 

 

 

My highs were strangely accompanied by crying.  The first meeting we had I was paired up with Sammy.  Sammy you were great!  I had written down things about my father and your first words were about your father's death.  That was all I needed to push me over the edge and I started crying.  I'm sure you thought I was crazy but you were great.  If anyone could understand what I was going through and have been through it would be you.  Thank you for being there for me that night. I wish you would have been in my small group so you could understand why I always hide my sadness and what it all stems from.  It was also great being next to you and David at the dance. 

The dance was another high for me.  I really enjoyed hearing every ones song and what it meant to them and even though I really can't dance I enjoyed the times I got up and enjoyed the music by dancing.  I forget who played Aretha Franklin's "Think".  That was the best song for me to dance to, thank you for playing that one.  Playing my song at the end of the dance was great in that I finally realize why it meant so much to me.  I got the courage through watching everyone else share the meaning of their song to get up and tell that scarey episode in my life.  I hope other people there felt what I feel when hearing the last words of that song.  Thanks to everyone for letting me share that. 

The other highs are so many.  Swimming every morning while other people were doing yoga or meditating.  I enjoyed just floating on the water.  It was the only time I was outside that I didn't feel to hot.  I really enjoyed the levitation of Raul.  It was so moving.  Hearing the guys share there feelings so openly was a new experience for me I hope I can get my husband to open up like you guys did.  Seeing Joan with KyraSong when she was singing with her at the dance.  OH MY GOD, how adorable.  Joan you are a fantastic MOM!!!  Feeling free to open up and show what I was feeling in my small group.  Thank you all for helping me through that.  Dennis, I will never forget what you said to me on the last day (I think), "Don't be afraid to show your inner child."  Thank you for that and all you help in our small group.  And Vickie Schafer, you stay strong and trust your ability to overcome anything.  Thank you for sharing your experiences in our small group.  I hope you too have gotten better since that weekend.  Painting my mask and then Vicki V. asking me to paint hers.  It was fun. 

My lows where at the very beginning.  People greeting each other, some of them knew each other, some did not, but I was fighting every instinct I had not to run away.  I remember Sally warning me "I'm a hugger." I said that's ok and hugged her back.  I remember Pat introducing herself to me and I just said Hi.  I'm not even sure if I told her my name.  Pat sorry for being so standoffish toward you.  If I only knew then what a fun loving person you are I wouldn't have reacted that way.  You were very entertaining.  Thank you for putting a smile on my face so many times. 

The other low was my back was hurting the whole time I was there.  It got so bad I had to ask Keenie for a 15 minute massage (that's all I could afford).  Thank you Keenie, it made it tolerable for the rest of the weekend. 

My other low Keenie also helped me with.  I didn't have anything to show my artwork on.  I was really upset I would not be able to share that with all of you until Keenie came through and had a laptop I could use.  Thanks so much for that Keenie. 

Oh, I can't possibly forget about the HEAT.  OH MY GOD, that heat and humidity is suffocating.  Thank God for the pool. 

 

In all it was a great weekend.  Joan told me I would get more out of it than I could imagine and I did.  When I got back home I had a long talk with my mother-in-law.  She asked me what did I do and I just took a chance and told her the truth.  She then felt safe telling me some things about her past and we both cried and laughed for about two hours.  I believe we are closer now.  Since that weekend I have felt more open to just go up and hug my son for no reason and I have felt closer to my husband too. 

Thanks to everyone who had a hand in making the retreat an unforgettable experience for me. And a special thanks to Vicki who invited me and her friend Bobbie who gave me a place to stay before and after the retreat. 

I forgot one more HIGH.  Running through the trust wave.  Awesome experience.  And seeing Dan play like a little kid and seeing the joy on his face when he really let go.  He almost ran through a glass door.  WOW.  Thanks Dan, it was nice meeting you.

Pam Schaefer (the Montana girl) 

 

 

 

  spirit is enriched by each of you.  In the classic tradition of the retreat I am going to ask each of you to consider your 3 highs and your 3 lows from the weekend.  It would be wonderful if you would write them down and “reply to all” so we could read them.  If you would not like them posted on the website, please indicate so.  I post them sometime in the future with only first names so new potential participants can read them and consider the weekend.  It is also available for you to visit the website and be reminded of the experience.   At times it can seem like a mirage, especially when we are in the storms of life. 

So here are my 3 highs and 3 lows:

 Highs:

 1.       The amount of support I felt in the beginning of the retreat with those who showed up to set up the site.  I felt equal amount of support at the end of the retreat with the clean up.  I am most grateful.

2.       The trust wave and the car wash.  I loved both.  It felt so exciting and abundant.  Of course I love playing games with each of you too.

3.       I pause on this last one…there are so many exquisite snapshots that are jumping around in my heart and mind I am having a hard time picking one.  So I will go with watching my daughter go through the car wash and each of you bending down and bestowing so much love.  As soon as she was at the end of the line she ran to me and asked me to pick her up.  She could not wait to tell those going through the car wash words like, “Jessica God loves you”, “Spencer you are so strong and beautiful” etc., as she touched their face, head, back.  It brought tears to my eyes.

Lows:

 1. As much as I talk about the balance of receiving and giving I found myself declining kindness and love.  Nancy asking to hold me during her song and Vicki asking to wash my feet.  For that I apologize to Nancy, Vicki and me. I am glad I received the touch and kind words that many gave me post the women’s group.  One step forward, one step back.  Ahhhh the plight of being human.

2.  The struggle between being a facilitator at the retreat and a mother.  I found myself concerned if, KyraSong being a 4yr old, was interrupting your process.  Something I spoke about in small process group and with Ginny.  Thank you to each of you for your grace, patience and kindness.  If you have suggestions on how I can execute this better I welcome your input.  If it is a non-issue or an enhancement for you, I welcome that insight too.

3. The information of Jimmy and his health crisis.  Since the retreat it has been discovered he has stage 4 cancer.  He is in Good Samaritan hospital and hospice has been called in.  If you have anything you would like him to know please email or send it by text and I will get it to Jayne.  I am sure he would like to go to “the next place” knowing how loved and cherished he is.

Much love,

Joan and KyraSong

 

Highs

1.      Of course spending time with my BFF – Songie.  I have sooooo much fun when I am with her, she is teaching me how to be a kid again and I truly adore her.  My life has changed so much since she has been in my life; I am able to have fun and experience more optimism and joy in my life.

2.      As I said in closing, the massages went great for me, seemed effortless and enjoyable.

3.      Seeing and connecting with you all again made me feel like a part       of the group.  Technically I know I am, but I do miss a lot.

4.      Car wash, taking it in and believing.

 Lows

1.       Did not get up and do something at the talent show like joining in with the drummers or telling you the one joke I know.  Spontaneity, tee hee hee. 

2.       Cramped dinning room, I usually get a chance to sit and connect with most of you.

 OOPS,  I did 4 and 2.  Yay!

Keenie

 

 

I have been thinking of each of you this week in our return to the "real" world. It's so hard to pick just 3 highs. The whole weekend is so transformative it's hard to narrow it to a few experiences.

Highs
1. Just being and connecting:)  Saturday night in the pool and jacuzzi with everyone.
Dancing with Spencer to Nancy's song.

2. Preparing for and doing the "hands" improv with Raul and Carrik. I laughed so hard and was so inspired by your guys creativity. It felt mischievous and I loved it.

3. Staying until the very end for the trust wave and car wash. Even though I knew it would be close, I decided to trust the process. So glad we got to be part of it.
Lows
1. Having to rush out and not participate in the wind down/clean up.

2. Marianne, David and Webster having to leave Monday morning. Missed you guys the rest of the way.

3. Hearing about Jimmy not being well. Sorry to hear its the last chapter. May God bless him and Jane.

The Seal song keeps playing in my head as I write this "Loves divine...love is what I need to know my name."

As always, I am definitely in for Labor Day 2015!

All my love until we meet again,

Pat 

To my Present Family,

Such an AMAZING retreat. Soooo much to remember.  This

was the first year where I got to know everyone's name, even though we didn't

have a name game.  The location and space was amazing with a bunch of amazing

people. Small group was such a liberating experience and created a few ah ha

moments for me.  I appreciate the energy Song and Spencer provide. 

> Highs

>
 

1. Laughing and having fun playing games. Speed walk tag with Debbie, improve

with Pat, Raul, Spencer, Karen and everyone else. Dennis providing a comment

during the trust run to make Joan literally pee her pants. Pam and I unable to

keep that darn balloon between us. And many more laughs with everyone.

> 2.

Rooming with Raul and spending much more quality time with him. Thank you Raul

for the many conversations we were able to share. It means the world to me to

have another man to share with to learn and grow.

> 3. Having opportunities to

be creative and not thinking just being in the moment creative. When figuring

out my dance I left a lot of it to the universe to just happen and my creative

juices free flowed. Then Rod let us be creative with clay and just went for it

and created my dark shadow world that is in my head and it was freeing!!! Thank

you Rod for that opportunity. At some point I just sat down and drew what was in

my head, without thinking, then I hung it up to let others in my head. Then Joan

let us be creative with our masks and it was perfect since I needed a hulk mask

for the dance. Preparing for and executing improv comedy always gets my creative

mind going. I almost forgot about the chalk paper in the dining room, so much

fun.  I need to allow myself to be more creative more consistently and this

weekend opened that window for me.

> 

> Lows:

> 1. Hearing about Jimmy

saddens my heart. Jimmy and Jayne are amazing people and I am grateful for

having been in the presence of Jimmy's wisdom as a male influence.

> 2. I wish

I had more boxes for more people to have stomped during my song at the

dance.

3. No beach ball to play with in the pool. Next year we need a pool

party with beach ball :).

Much love and abundance,

Carrik

Good Morning All,

So much of what I loved about last weekend is hard to put

in to words. Part of my "shadow" is to magnify things that feel difficult and

avoid them, therefore I am writing this email before my mind has a chance to do

that!

1.Lifting Raul. This was emotionally overwhelming and brought me to

tears, which does not happen often. I will replay it in my mind for a long time

to come. Thank you Raul for your courage.

2. MaryAnne. Your presence and your

sharing in our process group really impacted me.

3. Amanda's honesty and her

strong desire to be heard and healed.

4,5,6,7,8.... Ginny said some things in

our process group and followed up with me outside of the group and opened my

eyes in a powerful way; Having my parents there was even more awesome than I

imagined it would be; the trust run...I'm still thinking about it and wanting to

do it again the way Nancy did it! ... Joan's song at the dance; Song - her

spirit!

Lows: Missing Jayne and Jimmy and feeling the loss of an amazing

man

Miss you all!!!

Love

Jessica

 

 

 

I don't know what to start with! This year was even better then last and there were so many great things.

 

Highs:

1. Playing with Song.

It made me happy to be running around with someone who doesn't have a care in the world. We got to play pretend which I haven't done for ever, and getting out of my head was a blessing.

 

2. Seeing people cry.

I know, it sounds weird, but seeing people expressing their emotions openly last weekend was ratifying. I always considered crying a weakness so seeing other people do it kind of opened something up in my heart. There were many times during groups, the dance, and the ending ceremony that I just started weeping. I think that was good for me since I hardly ever cry in front of people. Getting to talk with Robyn, Carrik, David, Pat, Michell, and everyone else meant a lot to me too. Being able to talk about things that I hold close to my heart is not something I normally do. 

3. Having true fun. 
It is rare for me to have the kind of all out fun because there are so many other things going on in my head. Last weekend I had many experiences like that: playing with song, doing the skit with my mom and singing at the talent show, swimming in the dark, water balloon catch(and getting soaked), playing drums, jumping and twirling and spinning with Robyn at the dance, chasing lizards, and just reading in silence. 

4. The car wash. 
This had to be one of my favorite moments of the weekend. Being led by the hand and hearing what some of you had to say about me was powerful. I used some of those wonderful comments the day I got back to school when I had a rough time. 
 
Lows: 
1. Missing Jimmy and Jayne. 
I remember thinking how funny Jimmy was last year and that Jayne was so kind and compassionate. It was certainly different without their presence this year. Somehow I feel like they were there in spirit though. I wish them both the best wishes. 

2. Having to leave. 
I had let my guard down so much last weekend that it was hard to get it back up when we left. I remember it felt like all of the callouses on my heart had been gently rubbed away so when I got back to reality my heart was all raw and every thing that happened stuck like a thorn. The whole day, from the time we drove out of Casa San Carlos to when I went to sleep, I couldn't stop crying. Since I live in Minnesota I don't get to see everyone at any other time in the year which makes the parting ever more bitter. 
Thank you all, 
Spencer 

 

 

Wow, what a weekend! I’m still trying to come back to earth and not liking it very much. Re-entry was once again tough, not only for me but for my loved ones at home who had to put up with me. To just write three highs and three lows will be a challenge, as always, and I might have to cheat a bit. I’m sure that I will. Or I’ll figure out a way to nicely break the rules and still get in what I need to say.

Highs

1.      The dance brings so many images to my mind that make me smile and warm my heart. Thank you, Joan, for capturing so many on Smilebox, even a video like Barbara’s double Dutch game. That was so awesome, spontaneous, and child-like. I can’t remember when the last time was that I played that jump rope game. At least this time, I didn’t get tangled up or smacked by the rope! The highlight of the dance for me was moving in silence to Joan’s song “Still” and making eye contact with everyone and then experiencing my song, “Small”, right after that. To be able to decide on a way to present my song without any pre-planning, to be able to ask for what I wanted and not feel shamed by my own chatter, and to be vulnerable and receive without exception,  (all shadow challenges for me) was very powerful and transforming. It also felt really good to hear that other people were moved by the song as well. When I hear the song (which I’ve been playing often as a meditation to go to sleep), I think of being in God’s arms too. I regret not sharing that image at the dance and suggesting the possibility of allowing oneself to be held in the arms of a higher power. 

2.      Being amongst all of the tenderness and witnessing so many examples of pure love and vulnerability set my soul on fire.  The sincerity and the fullness of it touched me so deeply. I found myself crying in the mist of the affirmation circles, women affirming women and women affirming men, Raul’s honesty and reaching out to be held both during the big circle and during the sharing circle that followed the mediation and honoring of feet, meeting Amanda’s eyes before washing and holding her feet, the sharing that took place in my small process group, the car wash, and the levitation of Raul just to name few.  I was spiritually high as we lifted Raul into the air and swayed him during that beautiful song. It felt divine; divinely led and divinely carried out. I felt like I was levitating in love. At one point I felt myself gasp from the fullness of it and then tears just burst forth.  It was definitely another glimpse of heaven for me.

3.       Feeling heard and validated also touched me deeply and confirmed that I can make valuable decisions and learn to trust my intuition. Making a large ear to represent this shadow during Rod’s workshop got the ball rolling in me to look at this one and to challenge its darkness. (Thanks Dennis for being a willing model. Although, your ear looks nothing like the one that evolved in my hands!)  Throughout the weekend, there were many instances where I made myself visible and saw my ideas coming to fruition. (ex: the levitation) Thank you, Joan, for allowing that idea to unfold. At first, I didn’t think you heard me when I shared that during the meditation sharing. I wasn’t even aware of the purple mat in the middle of the big circle when we came together. When you started to share the idea and mentioned that you wanted the whole group to be involved, I felt so taken aback. And then to hear Raul say, “When Nancy suggests something, I listen”. It was just so affirming and it felt great to be visible without the negative chatter.

Lows

1.      One of my lows was missing the opportunity to swim with Song.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting in the sunshine, by the pool, watching her swim like a fish and dive for water balloons like a puppy, but I would have liked it even more if I had put on my suit and done it too.

2.      Another was not having the chance to say good bye to everyone or to be more present in my good byes due to my concern about being on time for the airport. Like Pat shared, I too am so glad that we stayed and were able to take part in the car wash. When we got to the airport and everything ran smoothly and we were right in time to get in line at the gate, I realized that I really do have to let go of my anxiety and trust the moments of my day to my higher power.

3.      Another was not having Jimmy and Jayne with us physically and then hearing about Jimmy going to the hospital. Although it was a low, it was comforting and different to pray and grieve with others in my family of choice, much different than what I experienced growing up in my family of origin.

Things I didn’t get to say but still want to:

Thank you, Joan, for teaching us how to trust the process.  In coming all of these years, I have witnessed the changes that have occurred in you and how you trust the higher wisdom and allow things to unfold as they will. This has been a huge lesson for me to learn from someone whom I admire greatly.

Thank you, Sally, for your courage and humility to reveal your shadow on the spot and to push through the uncomfortability and resistance to owning it.

Thank you Robyn, Raul, and Enid for hanging out and jamming and then taking it on the road.  I was so delighted and impressed by your courage, Enid, when you said yes to drumming in the talent show.  

Thank you Pat and company for bringing such joy, spontaneity, and humor. And Adrianne, taking your shadow for a walk was hysterical! And nice Egyptian dancing, Spencer and Vicki!

Thanks, Keenie, for being spontaneous and making the time to drum with me (Spencer and Debi too). Thanks too, to the larger community, especially Russ, for putting up with the loudness of it all during mask making.

Thank you, Marianne, for bringing David. It was so nice to finally meet him. He is a wonderful young man with a big heart and a gentle spirit.  I wanted to tell you in person, but since you left early I didn’t get the chance.  (It was also nice to meet Webster!)

Thank you, Jessica, for bringing your parents and for sharing your birthday gift with us.

Thanks to all of you, for being there and showing up with such courage, love, and vulnerability. I’d like to share a poem that I wrote several years ago that evolved out of the retreat weekend and dedicate it to Jimmy.  I know that he is getting much more than a glimpse of heaven from where he is now.

A Glimpse of Heaven

In you

I see me.

In your eyes

the depth of my pain,

the journey of my soul,

the little girl

that I’ve learned to hold.

And in the time that we shared,

and cried and played and hugged,.

I felt at peace and safe and loved

For I think that this is what eternity must be made of-

Children living in the light.

Thank God for my sight

that I’ve been given a glimpse of Heaven.

Nancy

 

Hello All,

 Wow, what a task to narrow my highs to just 3 after the weekend I had.

 

My highest high, figuratively and literally is the group levitation, or more specifically, the perfect process leading up to it. I felt myself going from a place of deep shame, guilt, and insignificance during the dance to a place of deep felt redemption with the men during Joan's soul-to-sole meditation, to then a place of elevation and celebration during the group levitation. Any attempt of mine to articulate my feelings at the time will always fall so woefully short of an adequate expression of that experience, but I have a felt sense all who were involved have a knowing in their soul of it. I felt weightless in my soul by the energy and love of all those lifting me. I felt lifted from me shame, guilt, judgment, worthlessness, fear, insecurity. I felt my heart stretching open, creating space for acceptance of love, worth, forgiveness. I felt myself with limitless reach upward.  I felt myself a spiritual rock star!  I am deeply grateful and humbled by the sincere love I felt from all of you. 

 

I felt privileged to be in the presence of such a powerful group of men, all showing up with integrity, vulnerability, courage and love. You are all wonderful examples of the best in men.

 

The circle of appreciation from the women the men was an unexpected gift, which showed me yet another mask I wear. I did not fully grasp its significance until I processed it some, and I want now to thank all the women. I saw my mask of judging any contact or affirmation from women as a ruse to get something from me in return. The anonymity of that process, where I couldn't tell who was touching me or speaking to me stripped me of any means by which I could claim there was any expectation of anything from me in return. It is me who created the expectation of an exchange. It is through accepting with gratitude from each of you your sincere expression of love without any strings attached that  I make my amends to any woman in my past who did the same, only to have me twist that into something negative. Thank you for that gift.

 I am deeply saddened by Jimmy's passing.

 My love to you all.

Raul

 

Highs- Sally validating my feelings in small group,

allowing me to nix strong guilt feelings.  Helping To levitate participant. 

Games.  Nice cool rooms.  Massage great.

Lows-since I am pretty much of a

"foodie" I believe the food could have been warmer and more of it (salads &

mellon soup were awesome but could have had more salad dressing choices and ran

out of some of these as well).  Choice of brown or white rice Would be nice for

next time.

That's it That's all !  

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Truly

transforming my "angst into awe".  Love you guys.

"A"

 

Dear All,

I dreaded coming but it turned out to be a great experience for me.

One highlite was the sharing , love and support I received.

I really liked the songs and dancing. 

I felt relaxed & free. I forgot about being tired. 

I got high from the car wash--whisper experience. The acknowledgment I got was awesome. Thanks, I needed that.

I left feeling ??  I guess

maybe more positive

and like I liked myself a little bit more .

I didn't like my inability to hear.

Joan, my thoughts at this moment.

Thank you.

       Love,   Russ

 

My highs:

Sharing our Present family with my BFF…. Vickie Schafer was over the top and magical. The

support Vickie provided for me before and throughout the weekend with the food

(planning, shopping and cooking together), playing Thelma and Louise, dancing

and being together was so much fun! Also processing together in brief moments

between groups was priceless, heartwarming and loving. I am so

blessed!

Seeing and being with Sammy :)

Sunday evening, being asked to

dance by Carrik touched my heart! I loved singing as we held each other…sorry

Carrik if I messed up on the lyrics, but I know the chorus pretty well!

LOL

Raul’s work and his vulnerability opened my heart and mind in so many

ways…. thank you, Raul. 

Spencer as she traveled through the car wash….I was

overwhelmed with tears and pure love.

The Women’s group circle ceremony and

later the men’s circle ceremony had an amazing impact on me. It is mind and

heart opening and confirms our human need for hugs and affirmations on a regular

basis. 

Seeing Jessica again and meeting Mom and Dad, thank you for sharing

your family with us!  

Earning the nickname….honeydew :) 

My Lows:

The snoring chorus in my room (quad) and neglecting to ask for what I

needed.

Missing Jayne and Jimmy’s loving presence (and now Jimmy’s hugs,

smile and laughter is captured in my heart and memory forever).

Arriving 5 minutes late to Monday morning’s meditation with Joan.

Thank you, Joan for

being you and bringing us all together each year. And to answer your question

about Songie….. I LOVE KyraSong’s presence! 

Until we all meet again, be safe

and know you all are loved and treasured beyond words,

Debi

 

Reflections

 

3 Highs

 

1. Attending the retreat with my Son, David. David being welcomed with open arms.

2. The Presence of KyraSong, her love, joy and spirit infectious.

3. Spending time with Pat, Sally and Perra.

 

3 Lows

 

1. Leaving early Monday.

2. Not attending meditation.

3. Not swimming more.

Marianne

 

The dance was so amazing.  Pam’s song (Michael Jackson, Will You Be There) had the deepest impact on me.  Even though our circumstances are different, I was able to consider the possibility of having a guardian angel as well - my birth mother.  I was raised to appreciate the family that  did want me, and to not dwell on the past.  It was an implied sign of weakness to consider or conjure up any thoughts or feelings I may have had in regards to being adopted.  I convinced myself over the years that true strength was living without the need for anyone.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Denying that I have birth parents has been one of my primary sources of low self-esteem, shame, and not staying true to myself.  Whether my birth mother is alive or not, my heart isn’t seeking an earthly relationship with her.  It’s just so liberating to be able to accept that she is real, to know that my life didn’t begin at the O’Hare airport, and that I am a part of the human race after all.  And when I listen to this song, I feel the strength to accept and love her for giving me life.  And perhaps her spirit has been watching over me all along.  Thanks to Rod’s session on judgments, I can grieve and accept the death of the relationship with a softer heart.     

The retreat was my second opportunity to interact with Song, and am just now getting to know her.  (had to remind her my name yesterday at Church, so cute tehehe)  Even so, there was something very special for me in the time we spent each morning.  Since I unfortunately didn’t make Sally’s yoga classes and Joan would be on her morning walk, I would wake with little Songy across the adjoining restroom looking for her Mama.  We read a book, played with her Lego set from Marianne, and took a walk around the courtyard.  During our mini walk, she told me she wished I were staying in her room and that I was welcome any time.  It made me feel like a million dollars to be accepted by her.  My younger years were the most difficult, and in that moment my inner child appeared encouraging me to break through the lies and to forgive myself.

There are so many other moments that stand out for me, the 3.25 songs Nancy and I locked eyes for, Jessica identifying and sharing her frustrations, in our small group using the planter with 2 separate plants inside of it to represent my story, Michelle’s honesty and healing hands, Pat’s contagious laugh, Raul’s encouragement during the second round of my dance, Adrianne’s talent show skit, the car wash – so heavenly.

My lows would be - still holding back and being afraid to share, not jumping rope during Barbara’s song, not offering to interpret my clay art, wishing Raul’s levitation would last forever.   

My heart is bigger and more fulfilled b/c of all of you.  Thank you!

Love,

Amanda

 

Vicki V’s Reflections to the 2014 Illuminating the Shadow Retreat

Vicki V. Highs – the long version

1.      Joan’s Soul to Soul Meditation:

During the soul walk I shared with Sammy historical experiences we have in common. It seems serendipitous that I could finally verbalize it to her on the Soul walk. I thank Sammy for the word: Un-repairable. I find it difficult to stop thinking about getting a tattoo that says “Unrepairable”.

Joan washing my feet: there is so much here I don’t even know what to type; Thank you.

Joan speaking the words that are so difficult for me to embrace, hold, own; but the words that I so long to know, embrace, feel and hear: “You are loved.”  I am crying as I type this, thank you.

The sun’s perfect timing, blazing through the windowed door Illuminating and landing on me /us.

The honor to wash another’s feet and pay homage to them- Robyn and Russ: everything worked out.

I am honored to be trusted to witness and be present with Raul through his struggle, truth, expressive release, process and progress. Thank you for being so vulnerable and trusting.

 

2.      The Men. I so appreciate the balance, point of view, the honesty and energy that the men bring to the retreat. I appreciate being allowed to be friends, be close to, be vulnerable with, dance with, speak my truth, be heard and not have anything expected from me; thank you.

 

3.      I admire the therapists temporarily taking off their therapist’s hat and setting it in a safe place to be retrieved later after they step into and explore their truths and processes. There was a time in my recovery when I was not comfortable with this. I love, respect and honor the occasionally slightly blurred line between therapists, staff and client/participants. In the end, are we not all participants?  A big thank you, to the participant, for being vulnerable and doing the work around the word “Liar” for me.

 

4.      I struggle with having comfort and confidence with being seen and heard. Regardless of what I do and try I might always have pieces of this struggle. But, I felt seen and heard and apart of this Illuminating the Shadow retreat. I am grateful that others attended. If I could get what I needed from the retreat on my own I would, but I can’t. I need the attendance, participation and honest souls present with their struggles, imperfections and shadows to feel connected, speak my truth and get what I need. Thank you for attending and participating.

 

 

Fondest regards, Love and Namaste, 

Vicki

 

 

Good evening my present family.                     
            My 3 highs

                1. The dance.  Being spontaneous and letting my inner child come out and play. 

                 2.I felt very emotional during the Car Wash. It felt amazing to allow myself to take in all the loving affirmations and nurturing touch and hold it close to my heart and embrace it.

                  3. To be a part of when everyone levitated Raul. I felt so much love and am abundance of nurturing touch.

                   4. I so enjoyed having BFFs and family members come and become part of this extended family. I also enjoy having the younger generation every year. Spencer is wiser than her years and I feel honored to know her. KyraSong is such a delight. I hope more family members and BFFs continue to come every year.

 

             3 Lows

            

               1. Not asking for what I needed from my Present family. I just withdrew. I now realize to ask for what I need. No one will know what I need if I don't ask for it. Thanks Joan for calling me out on this.:).

 

               2. The fact that Jimmy and Jayne were not at the retreat. Jimmy holds a special place in my heart. I will miss him dearly.

 

                 3. That the weekend seems to end too soon. I get so much out of these weekends. I wish we could make it last for at least one week.

 

I so enjoyed spending time with everyone of you. Hope to see everyone next year. I already made my arrangements. Love to all,

 

                        Karen

                    

 

My Highs

1. Trusting the Process.  As we realized from sharing in our small group, the weekend was so rich and abundant in processes unfolding. Hence "Trust the process" as our skit .  We realized that in not doing some things we wanted to do, or in missing some activities, that things seemed to work out and unfold for the better, as in Divine Order.  Great lesson to get out of the way, not overthink things, and let things happen!  And that letting things happen builds upon itself as we progress through the weekend.  Thus, in the women's group, I was able to experience how truly authentic giving and receiving from the heart can feel and easily pass it on in the men's circle.  And a special thank you to Raul for his process and the courage he continues to display...and in so doing allowed me to uncover another layer of sadness I didn't know I had.

2.  Having multiple generations attending, from Carrick commenting that sharing a bathroom with Russ was like sharing one with his grandfather (that Carrick had done for many, many years) to 4 year old Song and teen Spencer (Whose heart wouldn't melt being with those two!), and families and close friends attending helped to make it feel like a family, a safe place to open the heart and be vulnerable and let the love in.

3. The fun and challenging games that allow our child to come out and the amazing insights expressed through song at the dance - profound and FUN and always so!  Thanks to all who jumped with me. 

4. Finally, the car wash.  Hearing those wonderful affirmations and expressions of acknowledgement and love was overwhelming for me...and I will never forget Spencer as she was led through the car wash.  It was so powerful to see a young women receiving such genuine love and acknowledgement. Thank you to Joan for again pulling everything together, as you always do, to capture the spirit of all the beautiful people who attend.

Lows 
1.  Marianne, David and Webster left early and were not there to experience the commencement. 
2.  Jayne and Jimmy not atttending and Jimmy's passing. I had been so looking forward to getting to know Jimmy more.  He had always been so kind to me when I was going through my illness.  He will be missed.

3.  I couldn't find Kleenex when I needed it in the large group. 

Finally, thanks Karen for comforting me during my "ah ha" release.

Finally, finally, Nancy,  I think you win "I Never"

 

With love and respect to all,

Barbara

I loved the safety surrounding me from the very first moment until the last. 

Even though you all were strangers to me it seemed to take no time feeling "a

part of” and fully accepted; what an amazingly brave, loving, authentic and

powerful group of individuals!  I feel privileged to have been in your

company.

I loved the women’s circle.  That was the first time I cried during

the weekend.  It was so hard to accept the tenderness, physical affection and

kind words at first but then I could not stand the thought that it had to end -

ever.  And it really surprised  me how easy and equally fulfilling it was for me

to be on the giving end when we switched.

I loved being part of the women’s circle that gave to the mens’ circle. It was important for me to finally get how men have a very unique (from women) deep need to be held and rocked and

appreciated and how in this culture men don’t seem to have the permission  to

just be and need and  feel and be vulnerable without being concerned that they

will be judged for not being a Man, for not being Strong - as if men have less

right to being emotional human beings.  I am so grateful to the men in the group

for allowing us to give to you and allowing us women to be present with your

vulnerability.  This was the 2nd time I cried.

I loved drumming and being a part of that cool foursome that we were, performing at the talent show.  I got lost in the beat and did not even know I was in front of an audience. Jessica

and Dennis and anyone else who knows me knows that is simply not something I

would have ever done before. I am in the process of shopping  for some African

drums and maybe even taking some lessons.  Thank you, Nancy, for this and for

many other ways you enlightened me that I am sure you are not even aware

of.  There were so many other deeply touching and profound moments and

breakthroughs for me, but we were asked for 3 and I have already listed

4.

Negatives:  that I did not partake of the yoga, meditation and an

afternoon segment of games.  That I didn’t have a chance to really get to know

more than a couple people on a level I would have wanted to - there just wasn’t

enough time or opportunity in 3 days and yet  I wonder how much more my

emotional person could have handled.  As it is I came home and caccooned for 2

days.

Thank you, Jessica for inviting me and asking me to give you The

Present as your present this year.  It was truly a present for me as well.  And

thank you to Joan and Song all of you who were so involved with the details that

made everything that much more special. 

Enid

Highs –

The men’s and women’s circles were amazing, hearing the affirmations and feel the warmth of such gentle men was amazing for me, giving to the men in a loving, gentle manner, whispering affirmations in their  ears was a special gift for me.  I saw my father, my sons, and my husband in all of them! 

Witnessing everyone being vulnerable and telling their stories helped me to feel safe and open up as well!  The people from  my process group were amazing in coaching me thru my stuff!  Rod truly helped me to see how pride can get in the way sometimes!  I continue to be very curious about how I show up for others in all ways.  Sally with all your spirit of gentleness and the gentle spirits of all the women in my process group.  You are all amazing!

The dance with Russ, was so special and touched my heart in a profound way!  It felt like I was dancing with my Father, who I never had the opportunity to do that with!  As I write this it is hard to hold back my tears!

The meditation with Joan and the washing of each others feet and just gazing in our partners eyes,  the love washed over me, what an experience.  Of course the car wash, and hearing Kyrasong’s words “God loves you!”  How precious and so innocent!  The words and the touch of everyone, the tears were flowing and my heart was just bursting with immense joy and gratefulness!

 

Lows-

Not having the opportunity to really get to know each and every person, and not being able to say good bye to everyone, as some had to leave!

Not knowing what our theme groups were before we had them.    I know that Joan told us all at the opening, but I did not write it down!  Was a lot to take in being a newbie!   It made me feel a little disorganized!

I wish I would have played more of the games!

 

In closing, I know that I will come to this Retreat again and again!  Thank you all for helping and blessing me on my own journey to wholeness!  I am a work in progress always!

Wishing all of you love, joy and abundance!

Vickie S.

 

Good Morning Everyone,

I want to thank everyone for a very special weekend.  This was certainly a new experience for me, and I enjoyed getting to know everyone a little.

Highs

o   Sharing the experience with my mother.  My mom has been attending for years and I know just how important it is for her to be able to meet and recharge.  It was great being able to experience and see what the weekend was like.

o   When the men went into a small circle and the women came around and gave us positive reinforcement and love, it was a great experience.  It also made me sad though that I have not experienced something like that before.

o   I really enjoyed the Dance, I enjoyed dancing and getting to spend time with everyone.

Lows

o   Leaving early and not being able to say goodbye to everyone.  It sounds like the car wash was an amazing experience, I'm sorry I missed it.

o   Not being able to spend more time with people and getting to know others better.

o   I think when you only have three days it challenging.  My guard was probably up the first day or two and by the time I relaxed a bit the weekend was over.

·        Not going in the pool made me sad, I love swimming and I should have jumped in!

 It was really nice to meet Joan and Song, I have heard so much about you both.  Thank you for everything. 

David

 

Highs:

• The first night, while welcoming and hugging everyone...with the new "retreaters" before hugging, I would say, "I'm a hugger", and when I met David, he opened his arms and in his deep, smooth voice, said, "Bring it on"!!! I laughed sooo hard! I never had that response before!

• The ice breaker, "What you wouldn't know about me.....", I witnessed how quick people dropped into the work ahead and loved hearing the little vignettes/snippets of everyones' lives

• During the dance, Nancy invited everyone to pair up with someone and take turns holding and being held during her song...so very sweet

• The whole dance was fun and I loved how creative people got with their song and how inclusive with the group they were with how they shared it

• Having the opportunity to talk with MaryAnn, during one of our processes, I think it's the longest conversation we have ever had!

• Meeting the lovely new people who came this year and talking and visiting with dear friends who come every year, enjoying the "catch up"

 

Lows:

• Missed Jayne and Jimmy over the weekend. And so very sad to hear of Jimmy's passing

• I forgot to bring my pillow 

I came across this sage thought, perfect for the masks we wear:

 

“Once you start living a life of truth, authenticity, of your original face, all troubles by and by disappear because the conflict drops and you are no more divided.”..Osho  Reminds me how we are all ONE!

Love, Sally 

 

Highs:  Re-meeting with past retreaters  - what a joy. I remembered some of you. Some of you remembered me. It didn’t really matter all that much as everyone came together as one group, old-timers and first-timers. I also came away with some relationships renewed and strengthened, reminding me of how rich and important people are in my life.

KyraSong, KyraSong. Her joy and fearlessness in life is a tonic. It  reminded me that I too was that at one time. She epitomized that piece of our retreat: the person before the shadow started creating itself. KyraSong took me back to those days when I awakened each day filled with anticipation of what it would contain.

 Sally, Barbara, Joan:  If I had a goal for my weekend it was to see if a fresh, safe place, with caring, safe people could raise me from the lows I’ve been functioning in for months and months. The weekend brought me to peace with a knowledge that my demons are my demons – part of who I am. I don’t have to vanquish them. I realized that I can reclaim the courage that has allowed me to walk through life, not be crushed by it. Thank you all for all you gave, of yourself, of your experience, of your love and commitment to life and people.

Lows: There is an awful feeling that I have less and less as I live my life as a sober woman: being on the outside looking in. That feeling came when I pulled into the parking at Casa San Carlos. It took an hour to find that feeling totally bogus. That is all I experienced that could be a low. Often I encounter unmet expectations. Seldom do I have expectations exceeded. My retreat/recharge was just that – the weekend far exceeded my expectations. I carry all of you in my heart each day. See you next year!

Sammy R. Alzofon (Ms.)

 

 

 

My highs were strangely accompanied by crying.  The first meeting we had I was paired up with Sammy.  Sammy you were great!  I had written down things about my father and your first words were about your father's death.  That was all I needed to push me over the edge and I started crying.  I'm sure you thought I was crazy but you were great.  If anyone could understand what I was going through and have been through it would be you.  Thank you for being there for me that night. I wish you would have been in my small group so you could understand why I always hide my sadness and what it all stems from.  It was also great being next to you and David at the dance. 

The dance was another high for me.  I really enjoyed hearing every ones song and what it meant to them and even though I really can't dance I enjoyed the times I got up and enjoyed the music by dancing.  I forget who played Aretha Franklin's "Think".  That was the best song for me to dance to, thank you for playing that one.  Playing my song at the end of the dance was great in that I finally realize why it meant so much to me.  I got the courage through watching everyone else share the meaning of their song to get up and tell that scarey episode in my life.  I hope other people there felt what I feel when hearing the last words of that song.  Thanks to everyone for letting me share that. 

The other highs are so many.  Swimming every morning while other people were doing yoga or meditating.  I enjoyed just floating on the water.  It was the only time I was outside that I didn't feel to hot.  I really enjoyed the levitation of Raul.  It was so moving.  Hearing the guys share there feelings so openly was a new experience for me I hope I can get my husband to open up like you guys did.  Seeing Joan with KyraSong when she was singing with her at the dance.  OH MY GOD, how adorable.  Joan you are a fantastic MOM!!!  Feeling free to open up and show what I was feeling in my small group.  Thank you all for helping me through that.  Dennis, I will never forget what you said to me on the last day (I think), "Don't be afraid to show your inner child."  Thank you for that and all you help in our small group.  And Vickie Schafer, you stay strong and trust your ability to overcome anything.  Thank you for sharing your experiences in our small group.  I hope you too have gotten better since that weekend.  Painting my mask and then Vicki V. asking me to paint hers.  It was fun. 

My lows where at the very beginning.  People greeting each other, some of them knew each other, some did not, but I was fighting every instinct I had not to run away.  I remember Sally warning me "I'm a hugger." I said that's ok and hugged her back.  I remember Pat introducing herself to me and I just said Hi.  I'm not even sure if I told her my name.  Pat sorry for being so standoffish toward you.  If I only knew then what a fun loving person you are I wouldn't have reacted that way.  You were very entertaining.  Thank you for putting a smile on my face so many times. 

The other low was my back was hurting the whole time I was there.  It got so bad I had to ask Keenie for a 15 minute massage (that's all I could afford).  Thank you Keenie, it made it tolerable for the rest of the weekend. 

My other low Keenie also helped me with.  I didn't have anything to show my artwork on.  I was really upset I would not be able to share that with all of you until Keenie came through and had a laptop I could use.  Thanks so much for that Keenie. 

Oh, I can't possibly forget about the HEAT.  OH MY GOD, that heat and humidity is suffocating.  Thank God for the pool. 

 

In all it was a great weekend.  Joan told me I would get more out of it than I could imagine and I did.  When I got back home I had a long talk with my mother-in-law.  She asked me what did I do and I just took a chance and told her the truth.  She then felt safe telling me some things about her past and we both cried and laughed for about two hours.  I believe we are closer now.  Since that weekend I have felt more open to just go up and hug my son for no reason and I have felt closer to my husband too. 

Thanks to everyone who had a hand in making the retreat an unforgettable experience for me. And a special thanks to Vicki who invited me and her friend Bobbie who gave me a place to stay before and after the retreat. 

I forgot one more HIGH.  Running through the trust wave.  Awesome experience.  And seeing Dan play like a little kid and seeing the joy on his face when he really let go.  He almost ran through a glass door.  WOW.  Thanks Dan, it was nice meeting you.

Pam Schaefer (the Montana girl)